I’ve been here,
I’ve been around,
I’ve been poor,
I’ve been crowned,
I’ve been alone,
I’ve been the crowd,
I’ve seen life,
I’ve been the shroud,
I’ve missed the moon,
I’ve seen the star,
I’ve not been close,
I’ve never been far,
I’ve never been drunk,
I’ve run the bar,
I’ve seen monks,
I’ve fought in the war,
I’ve moved on,
I’ve been pulled back,
I’ve can’t walk,
I’ve sprinted the track,
I’ve been white,
I’ve been black,
I’ve been grey,
But never to wisecrack.
And after all this while,
After all, I’ve been,
After all that I could be,
All that to be seen,
Can I just back out,
Can I just distant myself?
And still, bloom like silene?
Can I forget her,
Without the need to say?
Can I look away,
Never seeing another day?
Can I throw it away,
Like ash in a tray?
Can I just get up,
And walk away?
Around you, about you? The place, the streets, even the birds sound different. It’s new, it’s happier, you’ve left your old life behind. It was a profound change. I mean, even if it were just cities and clothes and, uh, names? It was still for the better, at least that’s what you told me before you waved goodbye.
I knew life here was hard on you, your college was tough, your friends weren’t actually your friends, your boyfriend wasn’t treating your right, hot chocolates no longer treated you and it just got worse. I didn’t give you much time either, I mean I did call you and texted you every single day, but you never… I’m sorry not my point, I know, it’s on me!
I would have loved to see you smile again, I know I cannot see you anymore, or you don’t want me to, but hey, smile! Or just change your profile picture, I check your profile every day. No, I’m not stalking you, I just want to know where you went off to, and who are your new friends, I hope they are better than what you had here.
You’ll be the new girl in the school again, so I was just concerned if you found a partner for your project already or not. Because if you haven’t I could be, I mean, I cannot change the school and the cities, but I can help. I wish I could help you.
I was just going paranoid recently, so I just wrote you this. I don’t know if you will ever find it. Don’t worry about me, I’m always paranoid, you know that. It was just that I haven’t heard from you in a while, and you were last online over a year ago, at least that’s what the text near your name tells me, have you changed your number? And you even deleted one of your social media profiles, so.
But hey! Whenever you upload a new picture, remember to smile!
After being in the dark for 3 years, he lowered the note and kept it by her grave.
Tum ho toh
Khawishein bhi hai,
Kaash tum na ho
Toh khwab nahi hai,
Tum ho toh
Chahtein bhi hai,
Kaash tum na ho
Toh icchaien nahi hai,
Tum ho toh
Pyaar bhi hai,
Izhaar bhi hai,
Kaash tum na ho.
Tum ho toh,
Toh haan bhi hai,
Inkaar bhi hai,
Kaash tum na ho,
Mere ishq ka deedar,
Mere alfaaz ki pookar,
Meri haan ka inkaar,
Meri ruh ki chavi ,
Meri kavita ki kavi,
Me Satlej toh Ravi,
Mere likhne ki wajah,
Mere jeene ki chah ho tum,
Mere rukne ki wajah,
Mere bhadne ki rah ho tum,
Meri burai ki wajah,
Meri “wah” ho tum,
Kaash tum na ho,
Kyunki meri chah ho tum
Najane kyun tujhse joodah hun mein,
Najane kyun tujhse joohdha hun mein,
Kyun aaj bhi me tujhe chahta hun,
Kyun aaj bhi tujhe dekh na pata hun,
Kaise nahi dikhta tujhe tera yaar,
Kaise nahi hua tujhe mujhse pyaar.
Kaise nahi sunai di tujhe meri pookar,
Kaise sab yun chali gai tu?
Kaise sab ek pal me bhoolah gai tu?
Tum ho toh
Umeedien bhi hai,
Kaash tum nahi ho
Toh wajah hi na ho,
Tum ho toh,
Naajane kyun dil darta hai,
Kaash tum na ho,
Toh Wajood na ho.
It might be time to settle things with your past. I’m not sure how or what you’re supposed to do and how do you go about it, I just know it has been too long that you have been back and forth, I think it is time to settle it down.
It is time to let go and begin a new. It is time to let yourself relax and be at peace with the constant battles you’ve been having from the past few days or years.
The emotional outbursts, driving each other away, ignoring their presence, and everything else needs to stop.
It is time you make peace with the foes you never wanted to make, it is time to make peace with the friends you always wanted.
What are you living for if there is nothing to fight?
What is life if not a constant challenge? Giving you something to try one after the other. Something gets fixed and something else turns up and you are constantly trying to cope up with the things around you.
What would be life if you had nothing to do? Watching a new TV series, reading a new book, lingering around, talking to someone over the phone, texting someone, going to meet someone, going out with your friends are challenges as well. I’m talking about a spot where life gives you nothing to do?
If you don’t consider these as challenges, then try doing it daily for a month, you will get bored with that too. You need the challenge to stick to something.
Do you just stay on your bed? Maybe that is a challenge too. So, maybe do nothing, like absolutely nothing? You don’t even move.
What is life is not these challenges that we face daily? Ever completed all your work before the deadline with an aching back and a throbbing head and then reclined on the chair, before you fall into the arms of your bed? No?
Then maybe you don’t know the pleasure of challenges and the love of having them.
You have a dream to follow and no one except you is ready to follow it. You are on your own run and everyone around you is stopping you from running the mile.
Your parents don’t want you to follow that and instead want you to follow a safer choice, your partner doesn’t want you to follow it and stay safe at home with them, your siblings say that it is a bad idea, but you are adamant about your dream.
You need to leave the city, you need to leave your people behind, you need to leave your city behind and everything else that you know and you need to fly away from everything.
You are on the railway station and the train halts right in front of you, the train to your dreams is here and all you have to do is get up from that bench, wake yourself up and walk to the train and it will take you to the world of your dreams.
But right before you leave, your life flashes in front of you, your parents that don’t want you to go, your partner, your siblings and everyone else that you are going to leave behind. You are stuck in your feet and you cannot move a single inch.
All you need to do right at that moment is build up the courage and make your feet obey you and lift them one by one and walk into the train. But instead, you are just standing there.
You listen to a loud hiss, a wave of murmuring sounds and rushing, and then you hear everything fade away until there’s silence. Everything in front of you is fading away. The train has started moving and is gaining speed every second.
You can see your dreams go, but you cannot move your legs.
What are you going to regret? The chance that you never took, and thinking about the “what if”s for the rest of your life? Or taking that chance and never seeing your loved once again, or failing at it and realizing how wrong you were all along?
What are you going to regret? Following a path that people made for you? Or the misery you’ll inflict on everyone when you follow your path?
I don’t know what was with him? A sad face always welcomed me with a warm smile, but it felt so plastic, that I could hardly connect.
He was just always lost in his own, staring at the skies, at the waters, and the railroads. Like he wanted to go somewhere, but something was stopping him. Something was chaining him down to his room, and it was heavy to break free, so much so that he never left his room.
He was the only rotten flower in the field of blossoms, like the cloud in the sky full of stars, like the only dark spot under the bed in a room full of lights, a cold breeze slipping under the warm scarf.
He never was the glow of the room, always the dark corner. I don’t know what kept him so sad, and so tied up, when he can just walk out and get what he wants.
I guess it was not the dream he was afraid of, but himself. I guess it was not the confidence he lacked in his dreams, but the faith that he lacked in himself.
I guess it was not the sky after all, but the plane, and not the railroads but the trains, and not the waters but the ships.
I guess it was not the weight tying him down, but himself.
I was at first shocked to see her, it was the same girl from the jewelry store, but she doesn’t seem to recognize me. I don’t know if she even noticed me when I was standing there, right beside her. She had a different spark in her eyes, like a sort of immersion into something.
It was only her and that ring in the display that existed. The way she looked at her, while the jeweler picked it up from the display, it almost felt like she had lost a part of her. The way she looked at it with saddened eyes was amazing and at the same time weird.
I don’t how she never realized it is me. I was right there, standing beside her, while she stared at that ring kept on the display through the glass. but she never seemed to have noticed me. It was as if I was not even there for her.
It surprises me to see someone, looking at something with so much love and still not getting it even though they can. I know she can. Her apparel seems to be more expensive than a simple silver ring kept in the display, but she just kept looking at her.
Like someone looking at their beloved leaving at the airport and they cannot do anything about it. It was as if her heart sank when she saw the ring go. It was just an ordinary ring. A simple plain silver ring that every single shop in the market has. It was nothing special, nothing too crazy about it.
I want to talk to her, just to know what’s on her mind, but she looks right through me like I am not even here.
I’ve always managed to get to the point where I can no longer choose. I can but it is a choice only in my mind not actually a choice.
And then it always boils down to, you are too tired just sleep, anything you are going to do right now will not be good; and to the thought that, hey! you can do this, have another cup of coffee and start right now, we still have this.
Then I think about yesterday, how I managed to pull things off with a cup of coffee, and then about the headache that I have because of the little sleep I had last night.
Then about tomorrow morning, when I have to wake up early and should I actually risk my sleep and walk in drowsy tomorrow, or just sleep, push the deadline a few hours ahead and walk in with confidence tomorrow.
I’ve slept one night’s sleep spread over a week and I’ve had days where I missed on a complete date on the calendar because I was sleeping.
And right now, it’s one same situation, and I believe I’m going to sleep right now. I have work to do because I told someone I’ll try my best to do it by today.
But then again, I said try, and the deadline is not until the day after.
You have been tensed about something from a very long time and right now you cannot think of anything else.
You are just waiting for something to go through and you are already thinking about what you are going to do after that. What if the thing you are waiting for does not get through as planned? What if your expectations are not met?
What if the plan that you thought through and rethinking about, changes aspects over the next few days while you wait for everything else to get along?
This could be the time that you wanted, or rather the timeout that you wanted from work but you are wasting it on overthinking. Just calm down and relax until everything aligns.
If it is in your control, go ahead and just do it, if not, what’s the point of making detailed plans? It is time to take a day off.